homralings | My heart is a ghost town

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My heart is a ghost town

[The bar's been closed on a day it shouldn't be closed, but it couldn't be helped.

Izumo has chosen to take the day off, shooing everyone out of the bar, except for Mikoto and Anna since they live there. Right now, he didn't want to be near HOMRA, being reminded only of memories of Totsuka. Little tokens from Totsuka's hobbies all over the bar, placed neatly in places that can be seen but not in the way, rarely touched now.

Much like the films Totsuka had recorded during his time alive.

It's how he eventually finds himself in his apartment, perched on his couch with a shot glass of Vodka in hand and one of Totsuka's films playing. He's not quite paying attention to it, focused on the sounds rather than the images playing. Every time he hears Totsuka's voice on film, he takes a shot, his throat burning from the alcohol but it was a burn he welcomes all the same.]

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[Maybe it's good to cry.

Izumo blinks his eyes open blearily, trying hard to figure out if what had happened was a dream.

He remembers, but he doesn't want to look. If he does, he might not even be able to see Totsuka and he's not sure if he can handle that again. So, his eyes flutter shut.]

...Totsuka?

[Maybe, but it's usually an emotional release so the body is better. That doesn't seem to apply to Tatara anymore.

How's he supposed to prove it to you he's here if you don't have your eyes open? He's not about to just go up to you and see if he's somewhat tangible but trying to touch you...

He couldn't hear him earlier either, so Tatara raises a hand and hits the wall loud enough that Izumo can hear it.

I'm here, even if rhythmic knocking is hard to decipher. I'm here, Kusanagi-san. Good morning.

Maybe he could convince him to get a whiteboard or leave his phone somewhere so Tatara could type or write...easier than trying to have paper all the time.]

[At the knocking, Izumo finally pries his eyes open.

There's a brief hesitation as he stares at a wall opposite from where Totsuka is before he finally musters up the courage to look.

So, he takes a deep breath and finally looks over in totsuka's direction.

And he stares, seeing him, even though he's faint. He wonders if God or something is punishing him.]

Totsuka?

[He wasn't expecting that. Tatara smiles, weak though it is. Izumo's looking at him, and seeing him. Maybe for the last time, maybe not.

Is this better or worse than being invisible again when he woke up? Tatara isn't sure anymore.]

Morning, Kusanagi-san. [This time, maybe it'll be just like before. This time, maybe they'll talk just like they did in the mornings shortly after they rescued Anna. This time, this time, this time...maybe the last time, until sometime years down the road when Izumo is also dead.]

[Whatever it is, Izumo knows he needs a cigarette, even if it is early in the morning.

He manages a smile back.]

'm not sure if fate is kind ta me or just a cruel mistress.

Couldn't it be both? [Kind to let him be seen since he's there, cruel because they don't know how long it will last.

And it's not like Tatara has any complaint about Izumo smoking--he hadn't when he was alive, why would he now?]

Life isn't that kind ta me ta give me both.

[Where are his cigarettes?

He tilts his head as he regards Totsuka.] ...So last night wasn't a dream at all.

Ah, then you just answered it for yourself.

[...That's a good question. Where did he leave them?]

I told you it wasn't. Aren't you going to get up?

[Should've been on the coffee table, but then again, he was drunk and could've easily misplaced them.]

That depends on whether or not ya might end up disappearing if I do.

[Wow Izumo, it's not like the dead guy needs his heart anymore.

Get up and get your cigarettes for yourself, gosh!]

I think if something will make me disappear, it wouldn't be you getting up. [But, he's not sure why he's visible.]

[Don't rush him!

But at his words, he hums and finally decides to get up.]

Doesn't answer the question why you're visible.

You know as much as I do about that. I haven't felt any different this entire time, so I'm not sure why you started being able to see me last night.

[Yay, Izumo's actually moving! Tatara stops leaning against the wall, taking a few steps toward the path to the kitchen. If he's getting up, he's probably going to want to eat something sometime soon.]

'm pretty sure I haven't suffered a blow ta the head recently either or obtained some new powers.

Maybe it was the brain damage from drinking so much last night.

[No one's bitter here. Really.]

Being bitter doesn't suit you, Totsuka.

...yeah. But drinking that much doesn't suit you either.

I suppose ya got me there.

[Entering the kitchen, he fetches himself a bottle of water.]

What're ya gonna do, though? Ya can't keep staying here. Have ya tried ta....Make peace with the other guys yet?

I think I was going to head back to the bar when you did, whether or not you could still see me. Who knows, maybe someone else will be able to. If they can, then I'll talk to them. If they can't...well, no one seems to have internalized it quite like you did.

[And why, exactly, can't he stay here?]

It's fine, it'll work out somehow, Kusanagi-san.

They might freak out if they saw ya.

[Because it's weird to have Ghostsuka haunting his apartment when he's never brought him to the place often when he was alive.]

At this point, I should just leave something out for ya ta write on if I can't see ya again.

Or think they're dreaming, or that it's a cruel joke, like you did.

[Tatara laughs, a surprising cheerful sound considering what he just said.]

It would make it easier to let you know I'm around! Especially since that way I could respond to you even when you can't hear me.

Possibly, but ya might even make their day.

[Ah, that laugh. It is nice to hear it again, though he doesn't comment.]

I'll be sure ta find a whiteboard or something for ya ta use then whenever you're around.

I wouldn't want to make their day like that. That would...

[It would be too cruel, he thinks. Give them a hope that they were mistaken and it was just a terrible dream only for him to smile at them and so that no, he is dead.

He wonders if the day he'll actually disappear is the day that they stop missing him. He wonders how long that will be--and he pushes down the desire to stay with them like he would've if he was alive still.]

Thanks, Kusanagi-san.

Be cruel?

[Izumo wonders if there will ever be a time when they'll stop missing Totsuka — probably not.

They're family; you don't stop missing them.

He gives a nod.]

Least I can do.

You know what you thought when you heard me again.

[It aches less, eventually.

But then you see something, or hear something, and it reminds you of them, and it hurts all over again.

You can be telling stories years later and someone can say a phrase and then you start talking about the times you shared with them and.

It hurts. Tatara never wanted to hurt any of them, but he did by not leaving. It was never really an option, but...]

Do you think it would've hurt less if I just...hadn't stayed around you two?

I won't lie about that. I still think it is.

[It aches less, but they'll forever miss him — them, when Mikoto dies, too.

Izumo keeps all of Totsuka's videos in his apartment, only bringing it to the bar when Anna requests for it.

Mikoto doesn't want to see them, he never does. He's never been good at this either.]

Would ya have actually stayed from us, though? [He looks over at him.] If ya hadn't stayed, Mikoto could be in a worse shape than he is in now.

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