homralings | My heart is a ghost town

[When Izumo closed the bar on a day it'd regularly be open, Tatara decided to follow him. Maybe something was bothering him, and it's not like he'd talk to anyone--Tatara knows that well enough.

So when Izumo sits on his couch, Tatara sits next to him, watching his old friend as he drinks every time the film plays his voice. After a while, he sighs, just barely holding one of his hands off of Izumo's knee.]

You're going to hurt yourself if you keep doing this, Kusanagi-san. [He says it softly, even though he doesn't think Izumo'll be able to hear him. After all, no one had been able to hear him the other times he's tried.]

[Izumo shows no signs of being able to hear Totsuka, or even sense his presence near him. He's not like Anna, so the ghost being beside him goes over his head.

He grabs the bottle of Vodka and pours another shot, hunching forward as he lets his sunglasses drop on the coffee table in front of him.

He's close to being drunk already, something he usually prevents himself from doing, but he needs this right now. So, hearing Totsuka's voice again on film has him gulping down the shot.]

[It wasn't exactly surprising, but Tatara still frowns slightly that Izumo didn't even twitch. He huffs, getting off the couch to try and grab the bottle of vodka. He doesn't think it'll do anything, but...it spilling would be better than Izumo drinking more of it.

Just before his hand gets to the bottle, he pauses, looking at Izumo's eyes even if Izumo can't see him.]

This doesn't make me happy, you know. You drinking so much because of me. The videos were supposed to make you guys remember the good times and move on, not....this.

[He grabs the bottle, pouring another shot.

As he places the bottle down, however, his hand twitches a bit. Briefly surprised, glassy hazel eyes peered up in Totsuka's direction. It's almost as if he's staring directly at the ghost, but then he lowers his gaze.]

Must be imaginin' things... [He mumbles to himself before he swallows down that shot even though the film wasn't playing Totsuka's voice this time.]

[Oh...That sure is a sad smile now. He wants to say he's not imaginary, but would Kusanagi-san believe that? Would he let out what he's been bottling up if he didn't think he was actually here?]

Maybe, maybe not. [He crouches next to Izumo now, leaning on the couch right next to his friend like he did frequently in life.]

You shouldn't do this to yourself, Kusanagi-san. It's not good for anyone.

[Izumo tightens his grip around the shot glass, staring blankly at the screen as the film continues to play.

He shakes his head lightly.

Whatever he's hearing, it's not real.

It's. Not. Real.

As he reaches over for the bottle, Izumo belatedly realizes he's run out, so he places it back down and rubs his face.]

[Well, that's one good thing at least. Izumo can't drink even more and make himself sick if the bottle is empty.]

What happened to "come to me if you have any problems"? [He hasn't been dead for very long at all...What happened to the side of him that Tatara saw? It was there when he was around the others, but this...He was never like this, to Tatara's knowledge.]

This feels like something King would do, not you.

[Izumo's never shown anyone at HOMRA this side of himself. He never needed to, and he never plans on letting them know.

Behind closed doors in the privacy of his own home, Izumo allows himself to feel that burden on his shoulders, the weight of it almost dragging him down.

He's beginning to think he's hearing things; he refuses to look in the direction Totsuka's in.]

Go away.

I refuse! [Izumo's not looking at him, but he could make it so he has no choice! Probably, anyway...he doesn't really want to try touching him, in case he just phases through.]

I had to leave you on the roof that night, but I won't do it again. Not unless I have to. [He pauses for a moment and sighs, shifting his arms.]

Besides, aren't ghosts only here if someone wants to see them?

Who says I wanted t' see ya? You're gone. [Says that bitterly, the hurt and anger clearly evident. Gone was the composure he so desperately tries to keep up, replaced by the emotions he's been trying to hold back.

The dam is cracking and all Izumo could feel is that remorse, that anger - the guilt.

He's still not looking at the ghost, determined not to.]

Ah, that's true. But isn't it because I'm gone that you're watching the videos?

[Good, let that dam break, let Izumo let his emotions out. It's the most he can do for his dear friend now that he's dead.

Let it all out, and let Tatara help. He hates sitting here watching without being able to do anything for him. Even if Izumo thinks he's imaginary, he might still be able to help, if Izumo would only let him.]

Gone...

[He grits his teeth, anger almost flaring.]

I toldja ta be careful! [Vaguely, he knows he can't blame Totsuka for what happened. It's not like he asked to be killed, but all of the hurt is hitting him in waves and that dam is cracking further.]

[Tatara exhales loudly, pressing his head against his arms.]

It's not like any of us thought that would happen. I didn't think the person on the roof that night was a King and that he'd shoot me. Did you?

[He wonders how Izumo would react if he'd told him about the warning he'd gotten from Anna before they got her out of the facility. Maybe he'll tell him later, after Izumo gets this mess sorted out and (maybe) realizes he's not talking to his imagination.]

Doesn't matter. Doesn't— [Fuck.

He stops himself, teeth clenched together as he holds himself back. So, he slumps a bit, hand pressed against his eyes as he tries to bury those emotions away again.]

Fuckin' idiot. How'd ya think we can go on without ya?

That's... [Now it doesn't matter what he thought. He's dead, and this is the first time anyone's heard him speak. Izumo's reaction is enough to say that they wouldn't handle it well at all.

He moves again, kneeling in front of him and just barely not touching his hand.]

I wanted you to follow my song, stay how you were even as you missed me. I thought that Kamamoto or Yata might've been able to take over my role like we'd talked about when Fushimi was still with us but...I guess that was hoping for too much.

I'm sorry, Kusanagi-san.

[Izumo still has his hand over his eyes, but he's aware of a sudden presence in front of him.

And he lashes out at Totsuka, furious and upset.]

Sorry?! Sorry ain't enough ta bring ya back!

[But then he calms down a bit, expression changing.] They ain't like ya. They can't help like ya can.

If you'd act like this if I was, I wouldn't want to be brought back. [That was...probably more harsh than he needed to be, but maybe it'd get Izumo to...stop being so sad and angry at himself.

He wants to still be with them, for them not to be hurt because of him. Of course he does. But...]

...I know. It was the only hope I had though. I didn't want to leave you to fall apart by yourselves, but I guess we were a little kingdom. [It makes sense they crumbled when one fell away, no matter how much he wants them to be whole still.]

[That. That hurt. Stung so much it brought Izumo into silence.

It has him sobering up a little, though, his shoulders slumping a little in defeat.] Got no right... ["To say that" but it remains unsaid because Izumo knows he's being stupid, even in a drunken state.

But that second part has him frowning deeply.] Ya were the only one who could only hold us together. Shoulda been me, not you.

[Maybe he does have no right to say that, but Izumo certainly doesn't have a right to act like this.] Stop that. [Don't say that, please. Dying himself was bad enough. He doesn't want to imagine a world where Izumo had died instead. If this is what greets him for watching over his family...He winces and frowns in return.]

Do you really think King and I would've handled it any better than you and King are now if you were gone? We'd be in trouble no matter which of us died. It was always the three of us, since the start of all of this.

[It should have remained the three of them always, but even if he hadn't died when he did, they both know Mikoto hadn't had long left anyway. It was just worse now.]

[Izumo says nothing for a moment, longing for a cigarette, but he doesn't want to move.

If he moves, then maybe this illusion of Totsuka will disappear, and he can't - he doesn't want that to happen.

Not yet.

He rubs his face, suddenly looking tired, exhausted by allowing his emotions to actually let go like that.] Doesn't matter. I'd be the last one left now.

[And that's what really bugs him. The three of them started this together. It should've just been the three of them staying together. Totsuka died and who knows how much longer Mikoto has left.]

[He wants to say it but remembers his last words and stops himself. Besides, Izumo and the others won't be fine for a while, what with him dying and King getting ready to follow. What else can he do besides apologize though?]

I'm sorry. You know we never intended for this to happen.

[But he doesn't think he'd change anything if he could. If Mikoto hadn't become the Red King, they wouldn't have been able to rescue Anna. They've helped people because of this mess. He doesn't want to think about what would've happened to all their clansmen if they hadn't joined Homra.]

You can't leave Anna all alone again, you know that, right?

[He's sorry, but you've got to stay behind for all the people they've picked up, Izumo.]

I know that. [He does.

It's why he hasn't said anything after all of this time, why he hasn't allowed himself to have such depressing thoughts while around the others.]

'm not gonna leave her. [Or the others.]

Good. [Tatara's shoulders sag at the release of the tension from being uncertain. Izumo's always been the realistic one of the three of them, but it never hurts to make sure.

He pauses for a moment, watching Izumo's face.]

Promise not to drink too much? I'm no longer here to help out around the bar when you're sick or busy.

'm not gonna keep any promises. [Don't make him promise that, Totsuka. Just. Don't.

But now he's just kind of staring at Totsuka, looking a little sad but skeptical.]

...'s it really ya? [Or is it just his imagination? Either way, any answer will still hurt.]

[He really didn't expect anything else, but it didn't hurt to ask. Maybe he'd be able to be seen by Izumo again sometime.

After a moment, Tatara nods.]

It's me. I don't know why you can see me now when you couldn't earlier, but...I'm here.

[And then he makes a face, pressing one of his hands next to one of Izumo's legs.]

Why did King think it was a good idea to wear my earring with my blood in it? It's kind of creepy.

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