homralings | My heart is a ghost town

Entry tags:

My heart is a ghost town

[The bar's been closed on a day it shouldn't be closed, but it couldn't be helped.

Izumo has chosen to take the day off, shooing everyone out of the bar, except for Mikoto and Anna since they live there. Right now, he didn't want to be near HOMRA, being reminded only of memories of Totsuka. Little tokens from Totsuka's hobbies all over the bar, placed neatly in places that can be seen but not in the way, rarely touched now.

Much like the films Totsuka had recorded during his time alive.

It's how he eventually finds himself in his apartment, perched on his couch with a shot glass of Vodka in hand and one of Totsuka's films playing. He's not quite paying attention to it, focused on the sounds rather than the images playing. Every time he hears Totsuka's voice on film, he takes a shot, his throat burning from the alcohol but it was a burn he welcomes all the same.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Try telling him that.

[Izumo grows quiet, though, a somewhat wistful expression masking his face.

Somehow, he wishes Totsuka moved so that this could be less painful for him, but nothing ever really goes his way.

If it did, then maybe none of this would have happened.

So, when he becomes more determined to touch Totsuka, he freezes when he actually managed to do so. It was faint, not quite there, but still solid enough for him to touch as he places his hand on top of Totsuka's head.]

Dunno if he'll hear-- [And he stops, blinking. That's...Izumo is actually...

Tatara brings his hands up to his own face slowly, as if moving quickly would disrupt whatever they managed to do that let him actually be physical for a moment and covers his eyes with one while hesitantly reaching to touch Izumo's arm with the other.]

I-- [He never did cry that much, but this is...this is enough. This might be the last time Izumo can see him while Izumo is alive and Izumo can touch him even though he's dead... The tears running down his face are only barely warmer than Izumo's hand.] ...I'm happy. [This is still sad, but it's a much better last memory than him dying on that rooftop, and his body getting burned.]

[He's quiet, enjoying this moment of being allowed to touch the younger man.

He feels Totsuka touch his arm, causing him to curl his fingers tightly on his other hand.

This is some sort of sick joke - he knew that. After this, after this moment, everything will end and perhaps he'd no longer be able to see Totsuka. After this, Totsuka's back to simply being dead to him, and no longer would Izumo be allowed to touch him or even talk to him again.

But even so, he smiles, lightly hitting Totsuka on the head.]

If you're happy, then don't cry. It'll just make this even more depressing, and I definitely don't wanna remember your tears.

Haha [He rubs at his eyes with that hand, still touching Izumo's arm with the other.] I'm not sure I can stop right now.

[Who knew that he'd be this happy that Izumo can hit him on the head right now? He laughs, not complaining about the hit like he usually would. It's not like it really hurt more than what he's feeling anyway.

He should've thought this through better--it's going to hurt more when Izumo can't see him, for both of them. But, if this would happen, he thinks he'd probably do this again, even knowing. It's better and worse, but at least he can say more than just who killed him this time.

And then, even with the tears still running down his face, he smiles as cheerfully as he did in life, dropping that hand so he can look at Izumo properly.]

At least this way you can remember a smile too.

[He shakes his head, slightly amused and exasperated at the same time.

But then he uncurls his hand in order to ruffle Totsuka's hair a little, smiling softly.

The laugh still sounds the same, a sound he keeps in his memory.

When Totsuka drops his hand, Izumo reluctantly pulls back as well.]

Better a smile than the last time I saw ya.

Exactly! [Would Izumo even feel right if he hadn't felt somewhat exasperated at Tatara during this whole mess? This is part of the Izumo he missed, the reason he'd followed his grieving friend. But, this is proof that it hasn't died completely, even if it is hurt over him dying.

He doesn't exactly like the lack of contact now, reaching out as hesitantly as before to try and hold onto part of Izumo's wrist. Sure, a hand on his head is hard to look at his friend with but. It's proof that this is real, even with him being dead.

He's really going to miss this, when Izumo can't see him. It's not like Tatara can watch his own films like Izumo can.]

[Exasperation is all Izumo can truly associate with Totsuka nowadays, especially since he's gone now.

But it's a fond sort of exasperation that the older man could never really give up.

Izumo's expression softens, though, when Totsuka holds onto his wrist. He could feel him, a gentle warmth that seemed odd given that Totsuka shouldn't have any sort of warmth at all. He commits it to memory, solidifying this memory into his mind so that he would never forget it.

He could tell Mikoto about it, but the redhead might deem him insane from their loss. The only other person could be Anna, but Izumo's not sure if it was a good idea to talk to her about this yet.]

'm gonna miss ya.

[a;fsdjf;j Tatara looks at the floor rather than at Izumo, barely tightening his grip around his wrist.]

Kusanagi-san is unfair. [He knows, of course. Izumo was already missing him, if that rude drinking game was any indication. It's worse hearing it, knowing that this happened. He had already missed being able to be heard by everyone and then...

This actually happened, and it will only get worse. He doesn't really want to call it loneliness since he's there with them and they just can't see or hear him but. Maybe Izumo was right. Maybe he is already lonely.]

I'll miss you too. [It's really not the same, watching rather than being a part of it. Maybe Izumo felt that way earlier when he was watching the videos. Until someone else can see him, that's what his daily "life" will be like. He'll really miss talking to him like this.]

[Izumo hums softly, a tuneless sound, but then it starts to resemble the last song Totsuka sang for them.

The one song Anna loves to hear from him the most.

After this, he probably won't see Totsuka anymore, won't hear him anymore. A part of him will believe it to be just a dream, waving it away as nothing more than a disillusion.

But right now, he can see him, feel him, and that's all that matters.

At his words, he gives a small smile.

It's sad and happy, and at the same time, exasperated and heartbroken.]

Do me a favor will ya? If you're ever around, just move something just so that I know you're there even if I won't be able ta see ya anymore.

[He wants them to remember that song and the words but this just...hurts more. They were all really happy at that time.

He hopes they'll be that happy again, that the hurt will recede and they'll move on without truly forgetting. It'll be hard, since these people hadn't wanted to let go of him (the feeling was mutual), but it's possible. Better than holding the hurt in and agonizing over it.

But for now, Izumo knows he's here. And he's asking for a favor. Tatara couldn't keep his biggest promise to be around. He'll try to keep this one.

He's smiling, not nearly as cheerfully as most of his smiles when he was living, but it is a smile.]

I'll definitely try. [Maybe it won't work. He'll test it out after Izumo goes to sleep. Best plan.]

Good t' know.

[He gives one smile, a gentle pat on Totsuka's head.

The exhaustion and the alcohol is finally getting to him now, making him sleepier and he's still struggling to fight against it.

He didn't want to sleep, but he knew he couldn't keep fighting it.]

[Kusanagi-saaaaaaan.....

Tatara smiles up at him.]

Go to sleep. I'll still be here in the morning. [Whether Izumo will still be able to see him is another matter.

He isn't sure that the obscene amounts of alcohol Izumo drank earlier isn't why he's visible but...he hasn't ever had trouble with the floor, just people. He should be able to write a note for Izumo even if he isn't visible in the morning. Izumo really should go sleep.]

Mm...[A sleepy mumble as his eyelids start to flutter shut.]

Miss ya. Don't go. [He mumbled something else but it becomes lost as he finally succumbs to the exhaustion clawing at him.]

I'm not going anywhere, Kusanagi-san.

[Never wanted to in the first place. It's why he died like he did--he could have left when Anna told him he wouldn't live long if he stayed, but...

He's never wanted to leave Mikoto and Izumo. And now Izumo's going to be the only one left out of the three of them and some part of him wants to say that it isn't fair, but what is? Anna was orphaned and then her aunt was made to forget her.

None of the others, apart from Kamamoto and maybe a few more, really had good lives before Homra either.

The Slate isn't fair, turning someone who was fine just watching into someone who couldn't afford to do anything but watch unless it was okay to destroy something.]

Your powers are to protect, huh...

[He stays by Izumo's side for a while longer before standing up and going into the small kitchen to write a note. Some kind of proof that he was here, even though he knows it will hurt in the morning.]

[He lets out another sound, a sleepy mumble.

When Totsuka leaves his side, Izumo shifts a bit at the loss, but otherwise doesn't wake up.

Whenever he does wake up and see that note, however, the tears he'd been holding back since the whole incident began will finally start to come out.]

[You're going to make him cry again, Izumo...

But true to his word, Tatara stays in the apartment until Izumo wakes, sitting on the couch rather than next to him.

He'd say good morning, but he really doesn't want to get his own hopes up. It was probably just a fluke thanks to too much alcohol, but that won't stop it from hurting.]

[Maybe it's good to cry.

Izumo blinks his eyes open blearily, trying hard to figure out if what had happened was a dream.

He remembers, but he doesn't want to look. If he does, he might not even be able to see Totsuka and he's not sure if he can handle that again. So, his eyes flutter shut.]

...Totsuka?

[Maybe, but it's usually an emotional release so the body is better. That doesn't seem to apply to Tatara anymore.

How's he supposed to prove it to you he's here if you don't have your eyes open? He's not about to just go up to you and see if he's somewhat tangible but trying to touch you...

He couldn't hear him earlier either, so Tatara raises a hand and hits the wall loud enough that Izumo can hear it.

I'm here, even if rhythmic knocking is hard to decipher. I'm here, Kusanagi-san. Good morning.

Maybe he could convince him to get a whiteboard or leave his phone somewhere so Tatara could type or write...easier than trying to have paper all the time.]

[At the knocking, Izumo finally pries his eyes open.

There's a brief hesitation as he stares at a wall opposite from where Totsuka is before he finally musters up the courage to look.

So, he takes a deep breath and finally looks over in totsuka's direction.

And he stares, seeing him, even though he's faint. He wonders if God or something is punishing him.]

Totsuka?

[He wasn't expecting that. Tatara smiles, weak though it is. Izumo's looking at him, and seeing him. Maybe for the last time, maybe not.

Is this better or worse than being invisible again when he woke up? Tatara isn't sure anymore.]

Morning, Kusanagi-san. [This time, maybe it'll be just like before. This time, maybe they'll talk just like they did in the mornings shortly after they rescued Anna. This time, this time, this time...maybe the last time, until sometime years down the road when Izumo is also dead.]

[Whatever it is, Izumo knows he needs a cigarette, even if it is early in the morning.

He manages a smile back.]

'm not sure if fate is kind ta me or just a cruel mistress.

Couldn't it be both? [Kind to let him be seen since he's there, cruel because they don't know how long it will last.

And it's not like Tatara has any complaint about Izumo smoking--he hadn't when he was alive, why would he now?]

Life isn't that kind ta me ta give me both.

[Where are his cigarettes?

He tilts his head as he regards Totsuka.] ...So last night wasn't a dream at all.

Ah, then you just answered it for yourself.

[...That's a good question. Where did he leave them?]

I told you it wasn't. Aren't you going to get up?

[Should've been on the coffee table, but then again, he was drunk and could've easily misplaced them.]

That depends on whether or not ya might end up disappearing if I do.

no subject

i was listening to a song and "just stay alive, that would be enough"

that fits this so much right now

cries. clearly we need to do an actually living tatara thread with them later

Clearly. Depends on the situation they're in, though...ha...

yes......well, multiple alive threads then. both terrible and happy ones

all and any alive threads~

yesss c: /keening noises

\o/

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject